Young Men’s Class and Goodbye for Now

Mary and Susan, mother and daughter.

Our last day in Kenya for this trip was spent in an activity we have been seeking for several years. One problem with the self-defense classes we teach is that I’m treating the symptoms. The real problem is the boys and men who think it is OK to prey on women and girls. This day was our first chance to work with a room full of young men.

Our friend, Ebby, has been working with this group of mostly secondary schoolers for a while. There are also some graduates. We were invited to speak to a room of probably 25 young men. We didn’t really talk in advance about what we wanted to say. We sat down a few minutes before the meeting started and were assigned some topics. 

Virginia was going to kick it off, then Cedric would talk about gender based violence (GBV). I was to talk about drug and alcohol abuse, and Claudia was asked to speak about being the mother of boys and encourage them. The topics were assigned to Claudia and me without really knowing what either of us had to say on the topics.

Virginia delivered a good message about goal setting and planning for the future. This is very much needed by the boys. It was well received.

Cedric spoke on the types of GBV and recognizing it. As well as being a champion for prevention.

I introduced myself. I mentioned that they were probably wondering what some white dude from the US had to say to them about addiction issues. I then explained that I’ve been a recovering alcoholic and drug abuser for nearly 34 years, along with some of my history, including starting drinking whiskey at 6 years old. That got their attention. They had some great questions about addiction issues and approaches to handling them. I pushed taking responsibility a lot. They are in charge of their actions. I also tied back to Virginia’s message and spoke about GBV some. 

Then it was Claudia’s turn. She started off with introducing herself as a rape survivor. She spoke very clearly about the trauma and lasting damage it did, including PTSD and the stress it caused in her marriage. Even though it was over 30 years ago, it is still with her every day. Only after riveting the men to their seats did she move on to being the mother of three boys. She talked about the challenges and encouraged them.

In the end, the presentation were very well received and the young men were extremely attentive. I don’t think anyone had any idea how much personal experience Claudia and I could bring to the topics they wanted to discuss. In fact, neither of us had heard the other talk about our struggles in this level of detail.

One thing was clear early. Several times the young men mentioned about feeling neglected and ignored. People pay more attention to young kids and girls, they said. This day made them feel special. We’ve been wanting to have conversations like this for years and it felt good to get started.

After the class, we handed out a loaf of bread and pouch of milk to each guy. These were normal loaves of sliced white bread. The milk is sealed in pouches so they don’t need refrigeration. To my amazement, the boys ate an entire loaf of bread each! I figured they’d take it home, but, no. They sat down and polished off the whole loaf right away. My stomach still hurts from watching.

We are planning more sessions like this one to focus on the cultural change necessary to prevent GBV, including sexual assault. This is a very big issue in Kenya and sub-Saharan Africa, in general. But the change has to come from within. It can’t be imposed by a few people from outside.

Several friends came to meet with us at the center: Mary and Susan, in the first picture above. A few other mothers with kids they are interested in signing up with Tuko Pamoja attended, as well. Abigael also came to see us, as she needed some pocket money and funds to buy hair extensions for her beauty classes. It was great to see everyone one last time this trip.

We left Kenya later that night, feeling exhausted and satisfied that we had accomplished a lot. We are already looking forward to the next trip, early next year!